💡 Recently, after finishing a busy period, I realized that I haven't written a blog for a long time. The last blog I wrote was a month ago. Recently, besides being busy with my graduation design, I have been on duty and dealing with trivial matters. I always feel confused and aimless. It's almost the end of university, and I haven't had the chance to calm down and read a book for a long time. So I decided to find a niche book to read, "Then, I Was Alone" by Japanese author Fumio Yamamoto. Some authors use fancy words to create a sophisticated style, but Yamamoto's writing style is plain, calm, and straightforward. It's rare to be able to portray ordinary daily life in such a touching way, as if it is a skill.
The novel reads like a diary, with the author mainly recording her life living alone. The writing is plain, and the content is just about the small things in the author's life, like a young girl's diary. Today, I don't feel like going out. Tomorrow, I have to finish a manuscript. The day after tomorrow, I bought a bunch of things and went on a trip with my good friend. Suddenly, I feel warm. Sometimes, life doesn't need a lot of profound theories, just the accumulation of trivial matters. There are too many people telling us how to study, how to improve, but there are not many people who can tell us how to live and how to live alone.
There are many people in this world who have nowhere to place their hearts, whether it's friends, lovers, parents, or siblings. Not everyone can find the meaning of living. - Quoted from page 48
I am fascinated by the author's record of her life living alone in the book. There are not many social worries, and she doesn't have to reflect her heart in various situations. She says, "Working alone, reading alone, eating alone, watching TV alone, sleeping alone. If it feels unbearable loneliness, one would find someone to live with. But I don't feel unbearable loneliness. If there is anything unbearable, it is not being able to be alone when I want to be alone." In her world, it seems that she can live a colorful life every day as a single person. She can write a novel when she wants to, take a bath with freshly washed towels and pajamas, watch TV leisurely, drink chilled wine, and fall asleep in bed when she gets drunk until she wakes up naturally.
This kind of life seems ordinary, but it is something that ordinary people find difficult to have. The so-called lack of ability to match ambition, to put it simply, is that we have never been able to live the small life we like. We have never been able to reconcile with ourselves in our daily lives.
After closing the book, I thought about my own situation. As an only child, I come from a very happy family, and I am financially secure. Although I am not wealthy, I never worry about food and clothing. Since I learned to read, I have never done anything earth-shattering. There are no youthful twists and turns like in youth dramas or novels. Perhaps, like many ordinary people, I have learned to be content in the hustle and bustle of time. There have been bitterness and loneliness, but also joy and countless memories to cherish. I have many friends who have always been alone like me. They occasionally post pictures of their rooms: flowers on the table, a small photo wall with fairy lights, carpets and small tables as standard, and those with more energy would take the time to paint their rooms in their favorite colors... Whenever I look at these pictures, I think, ah... I should also do something to please myself.
The biggest feeling this book gives me is that not everything in life needs to have a meaning. Eating a bowl of ramen alone today, going to a nearby mall to watch a popular movie tomorrow, and taking a walk in the park, sitting on a bench and daydreaming, this is real life. So I particularly agree with the saying: every interesting soul should live alone for a while. It allows us to break free from the trivialities and decadence of daily life, establish our own life order, and learn to get along better with ourselves.
But am I really alone? Am I satisfied and happy because I have always been alone? I don't think I am alone, or rather, I have never been alone. The person who always feels like being alone in my consciousness is actually related to thousands of people. I have parents who love me and unconditionally support me in everything I do. I have a group of close friends with whom I often go out to eat and play sports. In fact, I have never been alone. What exists is a version of me who can be alone and still feel fulfilled, and all of this is possible because I have accepted countless companionship and love. Although the author's life living alone is attractive, I now have people who love me and people I love around me, which allows me to face the challenges and anxieties of life bravely.
In the epilogue of the book "Then, I Was Alone," Fumio Yamamoto wrote: "I don't know if it's because of the times or my personal fragility, but in the diary of April 2000 at the end of the book, I seem to have been pushed to a point where there is no escape." Miss Yamamoto got married again. The woman who seemed to enjoy living alone and seemed carefree finally couldn't stand the solitary life anymore. I don't know if she is happy or free after getting married. I only know that living alone is something that is difficult to persist.
As someone who is naturally inclined to live in a community, whether living alone or living with others, there is always something that I can't explain clearly. It may be a feeling that makes me feel comfortable in both body and mind, or it may be two different senses of security. But no matter what, if I can be happy for a moment, then I will be happy for a moment. If I can laugh more, then I will laugh more. Find something you love and embrace that restless heart without hesitation.
Perhaps the definition of being alone is a false proposition, because love can overcome all difficulties, and it is love that keeps the soul from wandering in the wilderness. 💞