We patiently wait, waiting for the long exhaustion to dissipate, waiting to meet the new self.
How should I describe the coldness of the south? At this moment, I am back home. The osmanthus tree outside the window is still lush green. Before going to bed, I stood at the window and watched for a while. The low eaves, dim halo of the street lamp, rain and snow floating in the spreading light, I lay in bed, the wind making the windows creak. When I woke up the next day, the osmanthus tree was covered in white, and a layer of frost covered the opposite eaves. It's so cold, a coldness from head to toe, from inside to outside. Only I am warm, with clothes and hair against my heart for warmth. This is probably the coldness of the south.
Thinking back to life before October last year, it feels like a distant world. What was I doing then? I vaguely remember being in isolation and waiting, and then reality was overturned by the sudden events, and I was caught up in the present. Finally, it's almost Chinese New Year. Three years ago, around this time, I traveled from the north to the south. The day after I arrived home, there was an outbreak in Anhui, and the reality of life was overturned again, and I was caught up in this year.
The reason I write down these trivial matters is because in these past few years, the speed of time seems to have changed. Reality either speeds up or slows down, and my perception has become less real. If it weren't for the coldness of the south and the approaching Chinese New Year, I wouldn't think about these things again. What impact does everything we have experienced have on us? I often ponder, but I can't find an answer. I also ask others, and I find that they are even more confused than me. Are the things that happen in this world really meaningless, like flowing sand?
Someone told me that in the long run, humans are also accidental, and civilization is not important. Well, of course I know that, but I am not a fossil. I live in the present moment. I am not very angry or upset, just confused. So many things have happened, and I can't pretend they don't exist, right? Someone also told me that individuals are powerless, and countless experiences have proven this. But I always refuse to believe it and accept this reality.
Recently, I read a book, and someone wrote this sentence. She said, "I feel sorry for the evil and filth you experienced when you were young, because there are actually many beautiful things in this world." I stopped and thought for a moment, thinking that what she said was really good. For those who feel powerless, I also feel sorry, because there must be many powerful things in this world that you just haven't seen. Where we direct our gaze determines our direction forward. I am willing to believe and desire to believe that this world is so beautiful and worth our efforts. But I can't explain it, and I can't even encourage others, because the darkness within their sight, I believe, is also a kind of reality.
But it doesn't matter. What matters is not what we see or what we think, but what we decide to do. It is better to act than to stop and think. Only through action can we determine who we will become in the future. We have heard too many truths, but truths are actually useless. The changes in life do not rely on any wise words, but on every action we take. Only by taking action can real change happen. If we believe in something, we must keep taking action so that life does not stagnate.
At certain moments, I have accepted some regrets and limitations, such as not being able to choose time or determine the future. Randomness in life is indeed vast, but in more moments, I believe in human confidence and power. Yes, there are indeed things we cannot control, but we still have the power to decide other things, don't we? If you say that life is completely accidental, I don't believe it. There must be something that I can change, right? I may not be able to determine my fate, but can't I determine who I am? How I think, how I act, how I change, aren't these things I can decide?
Of course, we cannot change the world. What's there to regret about that? Accept reality early on, and then pick ourselves up. I never planned to change the world, I only planned to change myself. I won't change the world, nor do I intend to blend into it. I just make up my mind about the things I can decide. I always repeatedly make up my mind because I know it's difficult, and I have to cheer myself on.
But life itself is difficult. There are no easy things in this world. Once I understand this, I can completely relax. Since it's the end of the year, let's patiently wait, waiting for this year to pass, waiting for a good night's sleep, waiting for the long exhaustion to dissipate, waiting for the new year, where we will meet the new self.